Glass Half Full

Sorry that I've been out of touch for a couple of days but I was detained, quite literally. This is a sordid tale, but I'm going to shorten it to the basic elements because I don't have the energy right now to flesh it out. It goes something like this...

I got my truck on Wednesday of last week. Thursday night, a couple of the guys I work with, and I go out on the town to celebrate. After hitting a couple of (really good) bars (and when I say hit, I mean hit them HARD), we manage to stumble back to the hotel. Once back at the hotel, Larry and I decide to get some Döner Kebabs. We decide it would be quicker if I drove to the Kebab place, Larry would run into the shop while I stayed in the truck. My staying with the truck would avoid us having to pay any parking fees, so I would just double park or drive around until he got the Kebabs and then we would head back. Easy right? Well this is where the plan goes slightly awry.

The first place is closed already (did I mention that it was 1:30 AM? Well I should have). So Larry knows of a place that is open late, but it's clear on the other side of Wiesbaden. Much like Harold and Kumar, we decide it's Döners or nothing. So I drive across town, and after following Larry's directions for approximately 45 minutes too long (he has been here once before, and was drunk then too), we miraculously find the place. It is almost 2:30 in the AM now and this place is packed. Larry heads into the store and I drive around the block to look for a parking space.

Here is where a little thing called bilingualism would have helped. I try to drive around the block, but the streets are not laid out in a standard pattern here. Half of them are one way. When I want to go left, the street only goes to the right. Oh, and the street meanders about quite a bit. I'm just trying to get to the Kebab place and am looking at street signs, buildings, cars on the street ... anything that will help me to figure out where the hell I am. That was when I hit the other car.

He was pulling out of a side street, and I guess I neglected to observe the (car-on-the-right-side-has-the-right-of-way) rule. He has (had) a Smart Car. I don't know if you've seen one of these, but they are about the size of a small dog.



I got out of my (larger) truck and went over to see if he was OK. He was physically fine, but he was pissed, and yelling at me in German. Now I don't really understand most of this language, so I said nothing. We were in a residential neighborhood and lights were coming on all over the place. Of course my silence only pissed him off more. Now he wasn't a very big guy, so all the while he was yelling and waving his arms I was thinking to myself "that car doesn't seem so Smart right now, does it?" Maybe I chuckled a bit, I don't remember that part. What I do remember is that he got up in my face yelling at me (and as a result spitting on me). So I popped him. He went down like a sack of potatoes (lucky shot). He got right back up, I think I actually surprised him more than I hurt him, but several of he neighbors saw it and came out of there houses, and I heard the sirens of the oncoming Polizei.

Needless to say, being an American (and a drunk American to boot) didn't sit too well with these folks. And since it happened far from any US Installation the best that I could hope for from the MPs was a little thing called "double jeopardy". Well that's my term for it, they call it the Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA). All this means that once I settled up with the Polizei and other German Authorities, I needed to settle up with the MPs and a JAG attorney. And trust me, she was not as hot as the one on that TV show.

So the Glass Half Full part, is that I'll be home for Christmas this year. The Glass Half Empty part is that I will not be coming back to Germany (ever). And while we are at it, we might as well call it Glass 3/4 Empty because I have to pay to ship my stuff back to the States (and it hasn't even arrived yet). Oh yeah, and I won't have a job to pay for said shipment when I do return. On the bright side, I don’t need to worry about paying for them to ship my truck, apparently the German judge liked it. In any case they are keeping it for evidence in case I decide to appeal or default on the judgment against me.

… good times ...