Treating the Symptoms …

On Thursday, I had the distinct pleasure of attending what was probably the worst meeting of my entire life. This was a review meeting for the 95% design submittal of a project for a different agency. We had 3 or 4 different project managers (PMs) there, along with a bunch of other people, most of whom didn’t say enough to require their presence. I would’ve liked to be somewhere else myself for this day long debacle.

No one was in charge of the meeting; or rather the person who should have taken charge did not do so. This resulted in much bickering and needless arguing back and forth between the parties. It was bad enough that my part wasn’t until right before lunch (and was interrupted by lunch), but to make matters worse most of the meeting was conducted in German.

Now I don’t have a problem with that, seeing as how most of the reviewers and the reviewees were Germans. It only makes sense for them to discuss their issues in the language with which they are most comfortable. What this did; however, was basically shut me out of most of the conversations. And I don’t have a problem with that either, as most of the stuff they were talking about really doesn’t have anything to do with me, and really wouldn’t interest me in any language. However, not being able to understand anything that is being said brings a meeting to a whole different level of sucking.

Luckily I had purchased a copy of the Stars & Stripes that morning so I was able to leave the room at times and go read the paper. I know that it was not the most professional of behaviors, but neither is slouching in your chair with your head dangling over the back, open-mouthed, and snoring like a Harley in need of a valve job.

It wasn't until late in the afternoon when I began to think that if I had access to a firearm, I would have been able to go into the adjacent room and shoot myself in the head. At the very least the barrel would have some teeth prints in it as a result my deliberations. This is what I view as a symptom.

It became clear to me why the Germans have such tough gun control laws. The governments of this fine country (much like that of my own country) has chosen to treat symptoms instead of diseases. So instead of reducing the meeting length (the disease) they chose to reduce the number of firearms at the meetings, thus reducing the number of engineers committing suicide.

I can almost see the following events ...

... it's late in the afternoon.

PM1 - "Why are the finishes in this hallway teal?"

Architect - "You specifically required the color scheme to match that of the adjacent existing building"

PM2- "I don't like teal either. Can't we change it to melon?"

From the adjoining room - ***BANG!***

Archtiect - "Shit ... I think we just lost another engineer ..."

PM2 - "We should stop those guys from carrying guns"

They are only fooling themselves though, because that will only work for so long. Lttle did anyone know ... I had brought a pocket knife with me and had begun to whittle a chair leg to a point that was definitely sharp enough to break the skin. If that meeting would’ve lasted another half an hour, I’m certain that I would have thrown myself onto that chair leg, and drove that stake right through my heart.

Of course they would probably just require plastic chairs in future meetings.

Fried Blutwurst & Happy Eggs

That's Sriracha they're smiling with and that makes me smile too!

Caution - this post may not be suitable for young children, vegetarians, or wussies in general

I had a slight change of plans and decided not to head down to Gibraltar. I just thought it would be too much for one trip. So the day after the wedding I went to walk around in and ended up staying in Sevilla. And all I can say about that place is … “Holy Shit Batman, this is a beautiful town!” I just walked around a small part of it for one afternoon, and was absolutely floored by the beauty of the place. The Cathedral is incredible as is the Real Alcazar palace.





The place I stayed in Sevilla was a dump, but it had a bed and a roof and that’s all I was looking for. When I left the next morning I stopped by the bridge for some nice toasted bread with olive oil, tomatoes, and Serrano ham. I‘m really digging this Spanish food.



When I got to the hotel in Madrid, I found that the guy didn’t have a reservation for me. He had a room, but there seemed to be a question of how it was to be paid for. I told him that I had already paid over the internet, but he didn’t have the paperwork. He didn’t speak English, I don’t speak Spanish. He finally just gave me the key for the room.

I dropped my stuff in the room and headed for the Plaza de Toros. I had asked for directions from some girl on the street earlier while looking for the hotel. She told me that the bullring was on the other side of town. This I could not understand because I know I saw it on the way in, and I picked this hotel because it was close by. But not knowing which direction to head in, and now how far away it was I took a taxi. After a ten minute ride (at least five of which was spent stopped in traffic) we were there. Great! It was less than a mile from the hotel. The cab driver told me that there were two bullrings in Madrid, so the girl must have been thinking of the other one. Either that or she figured I was a stupid American who didn’t know his geography.

At the ticket window of the Plaza de Toros, the girl asked me where I wanted seats the shade or the sun. Apparently, since the fights are held late in the day, the sun can get really bad when you are facing it. It had been cloudy all day so I replied, “What sun?” She agreed and gave me third row seats on the “sunny” side. The sun never did break through the clouds, so I ended up with excellent seats.



Let me tell you something about a bullfight, for those who have never been to one. It has got to be the most grisly, barbarous, surreal, cruel, bloodthirsty, brutal, vicious, sadistic, gory, and inhumane spectacle I have ever witnessed in my entire life. And I loved every minute of it! I had just finished a short story by Hemingway about a bullfight, so I had some idea of what they were doing. But I still was not prepared for actually witnessing it. The pageantry of it is really something, and these guys that are out there with the bulls have some really big, brass, huevos.

Here is the cast of characters in a bullfight:

The Peones - These guys handle the bull when he first gets into the ring, distract him, and tire him out with the capes and do other things as needed.

The Picadors - These guys are on horseback and stick the bull in the neck and shoulder with a long lance and pole.

The Bandilleros - These are sometimes the Peones or it can be the Matador, but they stick the bull in the neck and shoulders with banderillas (basically 2 foot spears with a sharp barbed tip with a swivel).

The Matador - The Main Dude in this attraction.

At the moment the bull enters the ring he seems a bit disoriented, but as soon as he sees one of the Peones with the bright pink and yellow capes he charges. These huge animals are so aggressive; they just run around the ring trying to get someone. There are about four of these Peones with the capes, and their job is to get the fresh bull to charge so that the Matador can see how aggressive he is and what his tendencies are. They also distract the bull when the gate is opened to allow the picadors on horseback into the ring, or if something happens to someone or something in the ring. There are barricades placed around the ring that the Peones can duck behind when the bull charges. You should see the expression on their faces when the bull is bearing down on them and they are running for this barricade. Some of them are quite funny.



After a little time is spent teasing the bulls, a horn sounds and it is time for the Picadors to enter the ring on horseback. There are two of them at opposite sides of the ring. The horses are well armored with some type of blankets that protect them from being disemboweled. They are also blindfolded so they can’t see what is coming at them or what is about to happen. The Peones or the Matador will play with the bull until he sees a horse. Once he sees the horse he will charge it. When the bull gets close enough the Picador puts a long lance into the back of the bull’s neck, and leans on it with all of his weight. This is meant to tire the bull, to get some blood out of him, and to prevent him from getting his head under the horse. The horses were upended a couple of times this evening, but the horses were OK. The bull meets the Picador two times during the fight. It may be the same Picador twice or each Picador once, depending on where the bull goes.



After this another horn will blow and it’s time for the banderillas. The banderillas are basically spears, about 2 feet long with colourful wrappings and sharp barbs at the end. The Matador or his Peones may act as the Banderilleros (the person charged with sticking the banderillas into the bull). They are alone in the ring at this time, holding the banderillas overt their heads and calling to the bull. When they get close enough they stick the banderillas into the back of the bull’s neck, and run like hell. This is repeated three times, with different Peones or sometimes the Matador will do it all. After the third attempt by the Banderillos, the horn sounds again.



Now with the bull being sufficiently tired from the teasing and loss of blood, the Matador enters the ring with a small red cape and a sword. The Matador will now try to get the bull to do a series of charges, much shorter and closer to the Matador. He will constantly try to get the bull lower, sometimes bringing him to his knees. After a couple of these the Matador may turn his back on the bull and face the crowd posing as if in triumph. After a little more than five minutes of this, the bull is extremely tired, and his movements become easier for the Matador to control.



The Matador then heads to the side of the ring and exchanges swords. This is the killing sword. He lines up the bull and when the bull makes a charge, the Matador leaps to one side and thrusts the sword between the shoulder blades of the bull. If he does it right, the sword will go all the way in and puncture the lungs and other organs. If the sword doesn’t go all the way in, he may get a long hook and pull it out and try again. The Peones will distract the bull during his final throws until he lies down on his side. One of the Peones will then stab the bull in the base of the skull with a dagger to makes sure he is dead.



After the bull is dead, the Matador accepts his applause and may walk around the ring accepting the accolades from the crowd. The bull has a rope harness wrapped around his horns and the carcass is drug out of the ring by a team of donkeys and down a passageway under the stands. (I was told by a friend that they butcher the bulls nearby and that the meat is considered a delicacy, but I have not verified that.)



After the bull is dragged out a couple of guys rake out the blood filled sand and in a couple of minutes another bull enters the ring and the entire thing starts again. The whole fight lasts about 20-30 minutes, and three Matadors do two fights each per night.

It really is quite a spectacle. The last Matador was gored by the bull on his killing thrust, but the batteries on my camera had already died by that time. The bull got him on his thigh. He walked out of the ring on his own, but that’s gonna leave a mark.

After the fight I decided to walk back to the hotel and stopped in a café/bar/restaurant along the way. I had a couple of small sandwiches, one with Chorizo and one with Morcilla de Arroz (blood sausage made with rice). Both were very good as were the two glasses of Rioja.

The next morning I found out from the main desk at the hotel that my credit card had been denied, and that is why the guy at the desk was unable to find out what was going on. Upon my return, I discovered that the Credit Union in Kentucky doesn’t accept charges from Spain because they have a lot of fraud coming from that area. In fact they hardly accept charges from any European countries. I asked them about fraud in the U.S., and she said that if they didn’t accept charges from the U.S. there would be no reason to have the card (which is funny, because that was just what I was thinking).

So I paid the hotel and headed downtown to see if I could get into the Van Gogh exhibit. Alas I was too late, 15 minutes after the museum had opened and they were selling tickets for 2.5 hours later. I knew I needed to leave time to get to the airport. With the way Daphne and I were getting along, I was wondering if she would even tell me where it was. So I wandered around a bit in Madrid and took some pictures.







Then I decided to head back to the airport. Trust me there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth during this trip, but I made it there on time, and landed in Frankfurt after a rather uneventful flight.

In Frankfort it was a bit chillier than it was in Spain, and I got on the train dressed in shorts and a short sleeve dress shirt. This guy was sitting across from me on the train and was just looking at me and shaking his head. He had jeans and a jacket on and here is this guy sitting across from him in shorts. I think I really upset him. He gave me a look of disdain that I usually only get from women.

When I finally got home to Hattenheim all I wanted to do was drop my bags and drink a good German beer, which I did several times (I only dropped the bags once though). I woke up Tuesday morning to find that I had no hot water in my apartment. So I went back to bed. I woke up an hour and a half later and called in ‘dirty’ to work. I told them, I have no hot water and I’m too dirty to come to work. I also called my landlord, and then made a pot of coffee. A guy finally came by to fix it, and after a shower I drove into town and ran some errands. I finally made it to the office about 15:00 or so. I took the whole day as a sick day, and just checked my mail, my email, and talked to the boss about a future deployment.

The trip to Africa never happened and another trip that was supposed to happen next week has also been cancelled. I think I’ve got a longer term trip coming up, but I’m not going to say where for fear of jinxing it. If it happens you should know in about two weeks.

The Reign in Spain Falls Mainly on … well ... me

I arrived in Madrid, Spain on the evening of September 5th after a rather uneventful flight. I had brought Daphne* along with me to act as a guide, and we got to the hotel without incident. It was about midnight, so I grabbed a beer from the bar and headed up to my room.

In the morning I checked out of the hotel and drove into downtown Madrid. I had just this week seen a picture on the internet of this place called Museo del Jamon, and I had to go!





Yes it was worth driving 10 miles out of my way!

After a nice breakfast of some coffee and Jamon on a baguette, I headed out for Cordoba. While driving south, listening RadiOle, I was feeling a little saucy as I drank a diet coke and ate little slices of cured chorizo that were turning my fingertips red. While driving, I was almost brought to tears by a poignant and gripping song. A young girl was singing about how her father was seeking revenge on her lover. She was underage and was carrying the love child that had resulted from some unholy union with Soupy Sales. At least that’s what I got out of it, but I don’t know Spanish.

I stayed in the ‘Jewish Quarter’ in Cordoba. It’s a really nice area, but is a little touristy. It’s a very pretty area though.







That night in Cordoba I had a nice sausage platter with a beer and later had some Sangria …



I met a nice English couple at dinner, who invited me to stay with them in Wales. We argued a bit about gun control. They were for it … so I shot them.

Actually, we agreed to disagree as we each knew we weren’t going to change the other’s mind.

Drove down to Lebrija on Friday for the wedding. I saw this town in the distance, on a hill to the left, and swung off the highway to take a look. It was sitting by itself up on the hillside and looked like it was very well protected at one time. The town is called Carmona, and they were preparing for some kind of festival that weekend. It was a really neat little place, and it is basically out in the middle of nowhere. It seemed pretty isolated, although there were plenty of people and traffic.





I arrived at the Hostel in Lebrija around 15:00 or so, checked in and met a few people who were in town for the wedding. They were an older couple, their daughter (Dianne), and her 2.5 year old son. We decided that we would meet downstairs around 18:30 and go to the church together.

The wedding was great, the church was ornate as hell, but had these stark wooden pews and kneelers. Nancy looked radiant. The whole thing was in Spanish, but my years of training as an altar boy kicked in. I was able to make believe that I was singing the responses just as if the mass were in English.

In reality, I was quietly singing Marty Robbins’ “El Paso”. I think the only time people noticed was when I belted out the last verse…

"From out of nowhere Felina has found me,
Kissing my cheek as she kneels by my side.
Cradled by two loving arms that I'll die for,
One little kiss and Felina, good-bye."

But by that time, the ceremony was over, and they were walking past me down the aisle.

The reception was a lot of fun. Cocktails were served outside, and this was the man of the hour …



At least I viewed him as the “Best Man”. People just kept giving me drinks and feeding me pork products. I was in heaven!

I'm pretty sure that Nancy’s Godmother was trying to fix me up with Dianne. When we were ready to sit down for dinner, she grabs me and says, “You sit with her!”

“Uh … ok.”

Truth is, I had already kind of taking a shining to Dianne. And she didn’t give me the derisive look that I usually get from women. Her son was supposed to sit with her parents, but he ended up at our table anyway. He didn’t scare me off though, because I don’t care how much of a “big boy” he is, I knew I could ‘take’ him. He was really a good kid, but was tired and Dianne had to leave early.

Now when I say early, I mean it was probably around midnight or so. I got out of there and caught a ride with Dianne’s parents around 02:30. I think the die-hards got back after 05:00.

This old man can’t do that anymore!

I'll have more on the rest of the trip soon...

* P.S. - Daphne is the name I have given my Global Positioning System (GPS)

Lamentations, Hallucinations and Fermentations

It’s Tuesday evening and I just finished packing my clothes, &c. for my trip. Tomorrow, after work I will head down to the Bahnhoff (train station) and take the train to Frankfurt. Once there I will board a plane that will take me to Madrid, Spain. I will stay in Madrid tomorrow evening. Thursday morning I will drive the rental car south to Cordoba, where I will spend the night Thursday. Friday I will head down to a small town called Lebrija in the province of Sevilla. There I will do my very best to help celebrate the exchanging of vows between my friend Nancy and her new husband Nathan.

Nancy said that she would introduce me to plenty of Senoritas, and I told her that I would be willing to forgo aesthetics for a certain moral ambiguity…

Friday night will be spent in Lebrija, and from that point on it’s anyone’s guess as to what will happen. I wanted to head toward Gibraltar, but I don’t know if I will have enough time. I want to get back to Madrid by Sunday morning so I can check out a Van Gogh exhibit at a Museum there, and then go to a Bullfight Sunday evening.

I think there is the need for some spur of the moment time, and I’ve scheduled it for Saturday.

Seeing as how Spain is the home of some of the world’s greatest hams, the awesome spicy chorizo sausage, and the ultimate rice dish … Paella, I think I’ll need some time to savor the flavors. Add some Spanish wine to the mix and I may not get out of Lebrija.

I am scheduled to arrive back in Frankfurt on Monday evening around 8:00 PM. This translates into not getting into my bed until at least 10:30 Monday night. Tuesday morning I may be heading to Africa for work. I won’t find out until tomorrow morning (Wednesday) and I’ll be all packed for Spain by then, as I am leaving directly from work.

The thing is that if I am going to Africa next week I need to start taking malaria pills … well … yesterday. I’m cool with picking them up tomorrow and starting the regimen immediately; however, the particular regimen of pills that I would be placed on … sometimes cause … well … hallucinations. Now don’t get me wrong, I’d normally be all for this type of thing. However, seeing as how I’ll be in Spain, I’m a little worried about the effect of the Sangria on the malaria pills. I am also hoping that it doesn’t start to kick in during the Bullfight.

Can you spell inturnashunal insadint?

I’m not sure yet if I will be taking my laptop, but I’ll take notes and lots of pictures wherever I end up. Just hang tight for a while, because I’m not sure when the next update will be. So for now, I’ll leave you with two pictures of recent meals.

The first one is my Labor Day Breakfast …



Waffles, Blutwurst, eggs, and a tomato. Delicious

Next we have tonight’s dinner …



A couple of hot dogs with cheese, kimchi, and a Schneiderweisse. Of course both the dogs and the kimchi were from jars, so it was not as good as it could have been. But I believe that this combination has the possibility of being something special.

When I opened the jar of kimchi, bubbles started coming up inside it. Oh how I love that sweet smell of fermentation!